She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
