ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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