Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
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She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
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Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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