If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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