note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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