A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
two words...techno handjob
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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