He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
