tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
