I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
