My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
