I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
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