Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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