Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
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