Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
