I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
you told grandpa to call you daddy
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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