I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize