I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
