By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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