somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
