I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
