i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
