i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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