I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
