if i can run in heels then i can drive
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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