in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
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he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
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this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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