My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
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The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
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One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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