i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
