this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
