Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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