mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
