it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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