a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
