it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
