Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
