you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
