I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
