I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
