she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
