i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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