I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize