Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
