If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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