im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
