I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
