chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
