Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
