i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
