I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Randomize
