I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
