im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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