Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
