so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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