He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Randomize
