I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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