i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
