So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
