I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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