Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
