i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Randomize
